Becoming

Why "Becoming Kelly?"

When I decided to tell the whole-ass truth, I gave a little glimpse into a perspective I've adopted:

Sometimes we don’t know that we’re still in the middle.
I offer the idea that I am always in the middle.

I am always becoming.

When I decided to call my own name, I finally realized that my name becomes mine when I declare absolute ownership over my self-mind, body, and spirit:

I stacked up three decades worth of shrinking, kneeling, cutting myself in half to be what I was called, not who I am.
I cried as I watched them shrink, overshadowed by the height and breadth of who I was becoming.
Who I call my self to be.
I call my name and it is my own.
It belongs to me.

Creating and claiming this digital space for myself was one of the first decisions of its kind:
one that reflects my belief that I am worthy.
I deserve a space that is truly mine, filled with my words and images, constantly and lovingly tended.
I deserve to give myself room--a place and space to grow and share.
I deserve to be in process.


I deserve the freedom of the middle.



Where does it come from--this belief that we can and should be one-dimensional? That love and belonging can only be found in one place, and the price of admission is the multitudinous existence we were born for? The pressure of trying to make myself One Specific Kind of Person nearly killed me. I wanted so badly to belong to A Group or The Group that I was willing to stifle and sacrifice the truest parts of me. I convinced myself that my worth and value as a person had to be outsourced to and approved by others because I didn't think I was worthy of belonging to myself. I begged for approval and asked to be enough. I was exhausted by the time I reached 5th grade. 

I am destined for a dynamic existence, hardwired for discovering and making and becoming who I choose to be. I think you are, too. 

 

Kelly CutchinComment