It’s Been Awhile

Yeah, Yeah. I know. It’s been a few days since I’ve posted anything. And I’d like to say I had good reason. Which I do for a day or two, but not for 5 or 6 days. See, last Tuesday night my husband was working so I decided to take the kids to the gym with me. After I challenged myself with a great workout, the kids and I showered and then we were rushing home to get them bed for school the next morning. At least, that was what we were supposed to do. Instead, as I was helping my youngest into the car, I apparently wasn’t paying close enough attention to what I was doing and accidentally shut my finger in the car door. Well, it was actually a bit worse that just shutting on door on my finger. The two doors were both shut and my finger was right between them. And I immediately knew that was not a good thing. At all. Especially since it was 8:30 at night, I needed to get the kids to bed, and my husband was working. But mostly because when I opened the door, (yes, I was smart enough NOT to pull my finger out!) there was a lot of blood. A.Lot.Of.Blood.

I instructed my oldest to wait  in the car with the other kids so I could run inside and clean it off, hoping to see what the damage was and bandage it up without any of them really seeing all the blood. But of course, the little ones freaked out since Mommy was bleeding, and I had a parade behind me as I hustled back inside. One of the managers followed me into the family locker room, which was the closet sink I knew of, and he began applying pressure to the wound. Another employee helped shuffle the kids right outside the family changing area to the couches in the lobby, where they could watch t.v., instead of Mommy bleeding all over the place. It took Garland, the manager, and I almost 15 minutes to get the bleeding to stop, and when we saw the damage I had done, it was clear I needed to make a trip to the emergency room for some stitches. Yuck. And darn it! What an inconvenience. I had things to do. And none of the things on my list was sitting in the ER all night waiting for stitches. So, as he and I went into the office, squeezing my finger to keep the bleeding stopped, I asked my oldest to call her dad at work and let him know what had happened and to meet me at the hospital. Garland and I stuck a few Band-Aids on so I could at least get across the street to the ER. ( Yeah, at least I managed to injure myself less than a mile to the ER!)

My in-laws came to get the kids at the hospital and take them home for bed. And my husband came to sit with me while I waited, which was a good thing, since I couldn’t sign any papers for treatment or anything. So, I got signed in and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, after 4 hours of waiting, ( I had already been to triage and x-ray) the nurse called my name. It was already 1 a.m. and I was exhausted and hungry! ( I didn’t want to eat before my workout, so I had a small snack, planning on dinner after I got home…oops!?) Once I got back into a treatment room, they told me that I hadn’t broken any bones or clipped the tendon that was now exposed. Yay! So all I needed was a few stitches. And when did I have my last tetanus shot? Ok, and a tetanus shot, since I have no idea when my last one was. Middle school, probably? The doc explained that she would be numbing my finger before putting the stitches in. I’m ok with that, since, I have had stitches before, and wasn’t quite all the way numb. That is certainly not a pleasant feeling, so she can numb we as much as she wants! How much does the numbing shot hurt, I asked, because I like to know what to expect. Its a needle, she said, and it will hurt a little. I can handle needles, no problem, its the pain I want to be prepared for. I have a fairly high pain threshold (I did have 4 of my 5 kids without pain meds, thankyouverymuch!) but I do like to know what to expect. She said, “It’s about 10 seconds of pain, but 6 hours of pain relief.” Ok, I’m good with pain relief at this time. My finger is throbbing. But then she sprayed a topical numbing agent on my finger before she gave she shot, which got me thinking, but only for a second. My thoughts were confirmed. It hurt a lot more than a little. And then she told me, “Yeah, I didn’t want to say it before I did it, since some people react differently, but I just gave you a nerve block for your finger.” Umm, thanks?! But 10 minutes later my finger was completely numb and she stitched me up, applied some antibiotic ointment, I was wrapped in gauze and sent home.

Its been a few days now, and my finger is healing nicely. It’s still numb and tingly at the tip, kinda like your mouth feels after you leave the dentist. But the cut itself looks really good. But I have felt so helpless in recent days. Of course, I can’t get it wet, so I can’t do dishes or go swimming.  I won’t complain about the dishes, but I would’ve loved to take the kids to the beach or the pool this holiday weekend. And it hurt so much the first few days, I didn’t want to go to the gym and workout, for fear of making it bleed again, or feeling a throbbing from the blood pumping through. Every time I try to do something, from opening a gallon of milk to getting dressed, someone here (who I know just loves me and wants to take care of me!) scolds me for trying to do to much and steps in to do it. Which I am grateful for, because a lot of it hurts and I really don’t want to pull it back open by doing something I shouldn’t. But it makes me feel helpless because, honestly, I can’t do everything I want to do this week. And I hate relying on others to take care of everything. So I ended up in a funk. And I didn’t want to do anything. And I sadly took it out on my husband unnecessarily. But I’m breaking out of it, and getting back into the game. Stitches can come out as early as Wednesday and I will back up to full speed.

So, my lesson learned this week, is to slow down, stop rushing, and ALWAYS make sure the car doors close without my fingers in it! Oh yeah, and to appreciate all the things my loving family does to help me out! I am so blessed to have them!

Forgiveness

My husband and I had an important discussion this weekend that really got me thinking. We were discussing the importance of  loving and forgiving others. And, not unlike anyone else, I had a lot of people in my past that I needed to forgive. I sometimes have a hard time letting things go, and tend to hold grudges. Even when I think I have let them go. It is not uncommon for me to realize that I have just pushed something under the rug and tried to move forward rather than dealing with the issue. Recognizing this is the first step to changing it, though, and I have been working on not pushing things off, but really dealing with any hurt, pain or anger I am feeling. Because holding onto it will only cause bitterness.

After much introspection, I sat down to write this post…and after my first paragraph, I ended up writing a letter to one of the pastors at my church. It can’t be said any better than in my email, so I am posting it here also, to share all I am learning on the journey to Becoming Kelly.

Hi Kevin-

I was out of town the week you spoke on forgiveness, with the story of Abigail, so I wasn’t sitting in the auditorium that morning, but I listened to the mp3 from the Hope website tonight and I felt compelled to write. I am sitting in my living room, crying right now, because I feel like you were speaking directly to me. I feel like you were sitting right here on my couch, telling me just what I needed to hear tonight.
My husband and I were discussing this exact topic just yesterday afternoon. I thought I had forgiven everyone in my past that I had needed to forgive. But after our conversation, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he and I had talked about. See, when I met my husband a little over 10 years ago, I was a 20yr old single mom…to not one, but two children. From two different fathers. I was 16 when Arianne was born. She was born with a birth defect and required some extra care as a baby, including several surgeries to correct her mouth. Her father and I split up when she was 3 months old, and she has hardly seen him since. A month after turning 19, I had my son, Alex. Pretty much another bad situation with the father. I haven’t seen him since a month before Alex was born, and haven’t spoken to him since Alex was a few months old. I fortunately had the support of my family. And I met my husband when the kids were 1 and 3. We were married 7 months later. We’ve had some struggles along the way, but will very happily be celebrating 10 yrs of marriage this fall.
Yesterday, while he and I were talking about forgiveness of others, especially forgiveness of our enemies, the fathers of my oldest two came into the conversation. And not only them, but the girls they had cheated on me with. And I very quickly assured my husband that I had indeed forgiven all of them, but had no desire to reach out to them in love. Was that what Jesus would want me to do?, my husband asked. I said probably not, but I had forgiven them, and that was good enough for me. He kept pushing me though, making me think, making me reach deep inside. Had I really forgiven them for the hurt I had felt, for the betrayal? For the rest of the day yesterday, and all of today, it has been on my mind. I could feel God pressing it on my heart that I really needed to search myself on this issue. And so I searched. And I began a conversation with Domingo tonight prior to his small group meeting about what I had discovered, but he had to leave before we could finish. It was still on my heart, so I began to write about it on my blog, which lead me to search the Hope site for the Digging Deeper notes from a previous week when Mike was speaking on forgiveness. My eyes immediately saw the title of the podcast for your sermon “When The Past Hurts Your Present”, and the description was exactly what I was thinking, feeling and writing about. I had been holding in all this hurt and anger and bitterness, thinking I had forgiven all these people all these years ago! I clicked to listen to the mp3 and sat at my computer furiously taking notes while sobbing my eyes out.
You said in the message that real forgiveness deals with the offense and the feelings. And I had only been forgiving the offense..not dealing with the feelings. In every situation I was still hurting from, I had felt the feelings you mentioned: rejected, fearful, and insignificant. I knew I had to do something. So I prayed. And I cried. And I prayed some more.  And the weird thing is, the tears aren’t tears of hurt or anger or sadness or bitterness. They are more like tears of relief. Like tears of joy. I have been struggling lately with letting my past go and not letting it define me anymore. Not only did I forgive all those people and hurts I had stuffed away under the rug, but I forgave myself tonight. For not obeying God. For not loving myself. For failing over and over in huge, colossal ways. For not being perfect. For not following what I believe in, but going with the crowd. For not believing in myself. For letting myself down. For letting others down, especially my family.
So, I guess, in all my ramblings, I just wanted to say thank you! Thank you, Kevin, for this message. Even though I wasn’t in the church that Sunday morning, God had a plan for me to hear your message. He knew I wasn’t ready just a few short weeks ago. But He has been preparing me for this evening. And now He has spoken to me very clearly through your words.

Thanks again-
Kelly

Weight Loss Challenge 1

I am exhausted! My initial weigh-in and body fat check was tonight for the challenge at my gym. And we were worked out hard! This challenge is different than what I thought it was going to be. It has evolved a bit, I think, since it was posted on the website. The winner will be the contestant who logs the most miles on cardio equipment at the gym and decreases body fat percentage the most. A trainer will need to initial our log sheet for every workout.

We started off on the treadmill at a 6% incline. It was a 2 minute interval with a goal of walking/running as far as we could. As soon as the two minutes were up, we jumped off the back of the treadmill  for 2 minutes of squats. After a short recovery, it was back up on the treadmill at 8% incline for another 2 minutes. Followed by 2 minutes of full sit ups. Then up to 10% incline, reverse lunges, 12% incline, push ups, 15% incline, and finally squat thrusts, or burpees , as they are also known.  My heart rate was up to 190 bpm for a good majority of the incline work, as I ran as much of it as I could. I did alright at the lower inclines, but it is not easy for me to run up the steep inclines. But I gave it my all and managed to run for at least half the time on the higher 2 inclines.

They told us we were done, so I turned off my heart rate monitor, but not before checking to see the calories I had (maybe) burned- 508 calories in just 40 minutes! Now, I love seeing big numbers like that, but I do know that there can be large discrepancies in the readings. But that just added to my motivation.  And its a good thing it did, because we really weren’t done. We still needed to weigh in and have our body fat recorded, so we can calculate the changes when the challenge comes to an end. My numbers had gone the wrong way since that last time I had all of this done, but I did expect that, since I haven’t been working out as much since I got sick in April. For almost 14 weeks, I was too sick to get a good workout in, between bronchitis and double ear infections. After we had our measurements taken, one of the trainers invited the few of us left to join the second half of his class. So 20 more minutes of strength training! I wonder what my heart rate monitor would have said by then?!

Once our workout was completed, one of the trainers was nice enough to stay after to talk with my friend and I about what we are struggling with and how we can effectively lose the extra weight we are carrying in a healthy manner and keep it off. We talked about resting metabolic rate, or how many calories our body burns each day when it is at rest. Another topic was working out in the right heart rate zones for optimal results…whether one is looking for better performance or weight loss. Nutrition was touched on. So were doctor visits and complete blood work, to determine possible areas of concern.

Overall, I feel like tonight was very beneficial to me. I have my benchmarks now, and I am ready to work hard over the next few months to achieve the best results I can. Stay tuned!

School Days

Alright, I know this may seem like it has nothing to do with what my blog is really about, but it does play a role. School starts tomorrow for my kids. And for the first time, all five of my children will be in school this year. That’s right. My baby is now a 5 1/2 (going on 15!) year old kindergartner. I will be home alone this year, while all my precious peanuts are off at school, learning all kinds of new things and having a great time with friends. So, officially, I have a few more days with her, since they do a staggered start entry for kindergartners in our school district. She actually only attends one day this week, but next Monday begins all day, every day school just like all the other big kids. Now, I know I have been looking forward to this day for a long time, but I am actually starting to have some mixed feelings about it.

For 14 years I have pretty much been home with my babies aside from some occasional work  here and there. Motherhood has defined me since I was sixteen years old. And really soon, I will have all of my days to fill with…..whatever I want to do. Not what my kids want or need. Not whatever doctor appointment I have to run whichever child too. No more days filled with trips to the park, daddy-daughter dates for lunch (where mommy tags along!), story time at the bookstore or library, trips to the pool to play with friends,  afternoons snuggled on the couch watching movies or cartoons or even just talking. It all hit me this afternoon when my daughter looked up at me with big tears in her eyes and said, “I’m gonna miss you when I go to school, Mommy. I really want to go, but I think I just want to stay home with you again this year.”  It was all I could do to hold back my tears when she asked if I would miss her too. Yes! Yes, I will  miss her! Just like I miss my other 4 sweeties. Each and every day.

But on the other hand, I am so excited to have a chance to breathe each day. I will have a new found freedom when she joins the ranks at school. I can take a shower without leaving the door open, just in case she “needs” me. I can go to the gym when I want and even  take my time getting ready after I workout, because I won’t have to rush to pick up a child from the child center. I can swim laps after running on the treadmill or elliptical. I might even lay out at the pool…just because I can! I can get  a haircut, meet friends for lunch and even just sit and blog, without having to worry about entertaining my kiddo or finding a sitter for her. For the first time in nearly 14 years, I have an entire day to do what Kelly wants to do. A day to myself. Days upon days to myself. To take a nap if I want, to watch a movie I want to watch, to grocery shop without a little one asking for treats or crying that they need to go potty. Heck, I can have a lunch date with my husband and actually talk about grown up stuff! I will be able to volunteer at the school and in the community. I’ve dreamed of going back to school for my nursing degree. This would be a great time to do that. It would also be a great time to find a part time job to feel like a person again, not just a mom.

I have loved every moment of my children being home with me. Some moments more than others, of course, but my kids are my world. I love each one of them with all I have. And as sad as I am that this chapter in my life is coming to a close, I am ready for the new chapter that is beginning. This is going to be a great opportunity for me to really focus on Kelly, to really find what I am capable of. To redefine myself. To become Kelly.

No Turning Back

I did it! I signed up for the fitness challenge. I knew if I didn’t do it today I would talk myself out of it by next week. But there’s no turning back now! I’m excited to give myself  a benchmark–and then blow it out of the water! I’m ready for the gauntlet they say I will face. I will conquer it this time and destroy it by the third and final run at it in 3 months!

The elliptical gave me a great workout this morning. I increased the cross ramp  and the resistance (both up to 10) today and I definitely felt a difference. I’m not sure why, but when I started out, I didn’t think I could stay at the higher levels for more than a few minutes. But I stayed up there for more than half of my hour long workout!! At first, I was really pushing myself at that effort level, but as the minutes wore on, it became comfortable. My heart was racing, but I was keeping my heart rate just below my anaerobic threshold (AT). Feeling the blood pumping through me was so invigorating! I was so energized after my hour on the elliptical that I actually considered hopping on a bike for 30 minutes, but decided against it because I had kids waiting to go to the pool.

As I sit here writing this, I can tell I got a great workout in today. My body is exhausted! And I am having a very difficult time keeping my eyes open, despite the fact that it’s just 10 p.m. – and I took a cat nap this evening! Yay! Maybe these harder workouts will tire my body out and I will finally be rid of my insomnia! I’m off to bed so I can get up and hit the gym again in the morning.

Ready, Set, Go!

I received an email today that is just what I needed!  My gym is holding a weight loss challenge beginning next week.  There will be a fitness test to begin the contest, followed by two more over the course of three months.  The winner is determined by overall improvement in fitness and the highest percentage of fat loss.  Woohoo!  I am so in!  This was just the motivation I needed right now.  Funny, I don’t even know or care what the prize is.  I just want to win!  Not to gain any prize from the gym, but to show myself that I am still a competitor.  I know I can do this!  So, after my initial fitness test, I will share my stats and detail my daily plans.  Getting to the gym at least five times a week will be a priority – and I am aiming for a nice long walk or good swim on my two off days.  Just need to stay active every day.

On a side note, I caught an episode of the show Ruby on Style Network tonight.  The show chronicles an overweight woman in her quest for health.  She has already lost over 150 lbs. and still has at least that much more to go.  In tonight’s episode, Ruby and her friends participated in a Race For The Cure event to raise money and awareness for breast cancer.  She walked the entire 2.7 miles, even though the furthest she had ever walked before was 1 mile.  It was such an inspiration to see her keep pushing when her body was tired and hurting.  It gives me new resolve to keep going even when I feel like quitting.  Ruby – you have shown me that my weight loss efforts, as daunting as they seem to me, are all about perspective.  Thank you for putting yourself out there to encourage and inspire others.  I can only hope to do the same.