It’s Been Awhile

Yeah, Yeah. I know. It’s been a few days since I’ve posted anything. And I’d like to say I had good reason. Which I do for a day or two, but not for 5 or 6 days. See, last Tuesday night my husband was working so I decided to take the kids to the gym with me. After I challenged myself with a great workout, the kids and I showered and then we were rushing home to get them bed for school the next morning. At least, that was what we were supposed to do. Instead, as I was helping my youngest into the car, I apparently wasn’t paying close enough attention to what I was doing and accidentally shut my finger in the car door. Well, it was actually a bit worse that just shutting on door on my finger. The two doors were both shut and my finger was right between them. And I immediately knew that was not a good thing. At all. Especially since it was 8:30 at night, I needed to get the kids to bed, and my husband was working. But mostly because when I opened the door, (yes, I was smart enough NOT to pull my finger out!) there was a lot of blood. A.Lot.Of.Blood.

I instructed my oldest to wait  in the car with the other kids so I could run inside and clean it off, hoping to see what the damage was and bandage it up without any of them really seeing all the blood. But of course, the little ones freaked out since Mommy was bleeding, and I had a parade behind me as I hustled back inside. One of the managers followed me into the family locker room, which was the closet sink I knew of, and he began applying pressure to the wound. Another employee helped shuffle the kids right outside the family changing area to the couches in the lobby, where they could watch t.v., instead of Mommy bleeding all over the place. It took Garland, the manager, and I almost 15 minutes to get the bleeding to stop, and when we saw the damage I had done, it was clear I needed to make a trip to the emergency room for some stitches. Yuck. And darn it! What an inconvenience. I had things to do. And none of the things on my list was sitting in the ER all night waiting for stitches. So, as he and I went into the office, squeezing my finger to keep the bleeding stopped, I asked my oldest to call her dad at work and let him know what had happened and to meet me at the hospital. Garland and I stuck a few Band-Aids on so I could at least get across the street to the ER. ( Yeah, at least I managed to injure myself less than a mile to the ER!)

My in-laws came to get the kids at the hospital and take them home for bed. And my husband came to sit with me while I waited, which was a good thing, since I couldn’t sign any papers for treatment or anything. So, I got signed in and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, after 4 hours of waiting, ( I had already been to triage and x-ray) the nurse called my name. It was already 1 a.m. and I was exhausted and hungry! ( I didn’t want to eat before my workout, so I had a small snack, planning on dinner after I got home…oops!?) Once I got back into a treatment room, they told me that I hadn’t broken any bones or clipped the tendon that was now exposed. Yay! So all I needed was a few stitches. And when did I have my last tetanus shot? Ok, and a tetanus shot, since I have no idea when my last one was. Middle school, probably? The doc explained that she would be numbing my finger before putting the stitches in. I’m ok with that, since, I have had stitches before, and wasn’t quite all the way numb. That is certainly not a pleasant feeling, so she can numb we as much as she wants! How much does the numbing shot hurt, I asked, because I like to know what to expect. Its a needle, she said, and it will hurt a little. I can handle needles, no problem, its the pain I want to be prepared for. I have a fairly high pain threshold (I did have 4 of my 5 kids without pain meds, thankyouverymuch!) but I do like to know what to expect. She said, “It’s about 10 seconds of pain, but 6 hours of pain relief.” Ok, I’m good with pain relief at this time. My finger is throbbing. But then she sprayed a topical numbing agent on my finger before she gave she shot, which got me thinking, but only for a second. My thoughts were confirmed. It hurt a lot more than a little. And then she told me, “Yeah, I didn’t want to say it before I did it, since some people react differently, but I just gave you a nerve block for your finger.” Umm, thanks?! But 10 minutes later my finger was completely numb and she stitched me up, applied some antibiotic ointment, I was wrapped in gauze and sent home.

Its been a few days now, and my finger is healing nicely. It’s still numb and tingly at the tip, kinda like your mouth feels after you leave the dentist. But the cut itself looks really good. But I have felt so helpless in recent days. Of course, I can’t get it wet, so I can’t do dishes or go swimming.  I won’t complain about the dishes, but I would’ve loved to take the kids to the beach or the pool this holiday weekend. And it hurt so much the first few days, I didn’t want to go to the gym and workout, for fear of making it bleed again, or feeling a throbbing from the blood pumping through. Every time I try to do something, from opening a gallon of milk to getting dressed, someone here (who I know just loves me and wants to take care of me!) scolds me for trying to do to much and steps in to do it. Which I am grateful for, because a lot of it hurts and I really don’t want to pull it back open by doing something I shouldn’t. But it makes me feel helpless because, honestly, I can’t do everything I want to do this week. And I hate relying on others to take care of everything. So I ended up in a funk. And I didn’t want to do anything. And I sadly took it out on my husband unnecessarily. But I’m breaking out of it, and getting back into the game. Stitches can come out as early as Wednesday and I will back up to full speed.

So, my lesson learned this week, is to slow down, stop rushing, and ALWAYS make sure the car doors close without my fingers in it! Oh yeah, and to appreciate all the things my loving family does to help me out! I am so blessed to have them!

Forgiveness

My husband and I had an important discussion this weekend that really got me thinking. We were discussing the importance of  loving and forgiving others. And, not unlike anyone else, I had a lot of people in my past that I needed to forgive. I sometimes have a hard time letting things go, and tend to hold grudges. Even when I think I have let them go. It is not uncommon for me to realize that I have just pushed something under the rug and tried to move forward rather than dealing with the issue. Recognizing this is the first step to changing it, though, and I have been working on not pushing things off, but really dealing with any hurt, pain or anger I am feeling. Because holding onto it will only cause bitterness.

After much introspection, I sat down to write this post…and after my first paragraph, I ended up writing a letter to one of the pastors at my church. It can’t be said any better than in my email, so I am posting it here also, to share all I am learning on the journey to Becoming Kelly.

Hi Kevin-

I was out of town the week you spoke on forgiveness, with the story of Abigail, so I wasn’t sitting in the auditorium that morning, but I listened to the mp3 from the Hope website tonight and I felt compelled to write. I am sitting in my living room, crying right now, because I feel like you were speaking directly to me. I feel like you were sitting right here on my couch, telling me just what I needed to hear tonight.
My husband and I were discussing this exact topic just yesterday afternoon. I thought I had forgiven everyone in my past that I had needed to forgive. But after our conversation, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he and I had talked about. See, when I met my husband a little over 10 years ago, I was a 20yr old single mom…to not one, but two children. From two different fathers. I was 16 when Arianne was born. She was born with a birth defect and required some extra care as a baby, including several surgeries to correct her mouth. Her father and I split up when she was 3 months old, and she has hardly seen him since. A month after turning 19, I had my son, Alex. Pretty much another bad situation with the father. I haven’t seen him since a month before Alex was born, and haven’t spoken to him since Alex was a few months old. I fortunately had the support of my family. And I met my husband when the kids were 1 and 3. We were married 7 months later. We’ve had some struggles along the way, but will very happily be celebrating 10 yrs of marriage this fall.
Yesterday, while he and I were talking about forgiveness of others, especially forgiveness of our enemies, the fathers of my oldest two came into the conversation. And not only them, but the girls they had cheated on me with. And I very quickly assured my husband that I had indeed forgiven all of them, but had no desire to reach out to them in love. Was that what Jesus would want me to do?, my husband asked. I said probably not, but I had forgiven them, and that was good enough for me. He kept pushing me though, making me think, making me reach deep inside. Had I really forgiven them for the hurt I had felt, for the betrayal? For the rest of the day yesterday, and all of today, it has been on my mind. I could feel God pressing it on my heart that I really needed to search myself on this issue. And so I searched. And I began a conversation with Domingo tonight prior to his small group meeting about what I had discovered, but he had to leave before we could finish. It was still on my heart, so I began to write about it on my blog, which lead me to search the Hope site for the Digging Deeper notes from a previous week when Mike was speaking on forgiveness. My eyes immediately saw the title of the podcast for your sermon “When The Past Hurts Your Present”, and the description was exactly what I was thinking, feeling and writing about. I had been holding in all this hurt and anger and bitterness, thinking I had forgiven all these people all these years ago! I clicked to listen to the mp3 and sat at my computer furiously taking notes while sobbing my eyes out.
You said in the message that real forgiveness deals with the offense and the feelings. And I had only been forgiving the offense..not dealing with the feelings. In every situation I was still hurting from, I had felt the feelings you mentioned: rejected, fearful, and insignificant. I knew I had to do something. So I prayed. And I cried. And I prayed some more.  And the weird thing is, the tears aren’t tears of hurt or anger or sadness or bitterness. They are more like tears of relief. Like tears of joy. I have been struggling lately with letting my past go and not letting it define me anymore. Not only did I forgive all those people and hurts I had stuffed away under the rug, but I forgave myself tonight. For not obeying God. For not loving myself. For failing over and over in huge, colossal ways. For not being perfect. For not following what I believe in, but going with the crowd. For not believing in myself. For letting myself down. For letting others down, especially my family.
So, I guess, in all my ramblings, I just wanted to say thank you! Thank you, Kevin, for this message. Even though I wasn’t in the church that Sunday morning, God had a plan for me to hear your message. He knew I wasn’t ready just a few short weeks ago. But He has been preparing me for this evening. And now He has spoken to me very clearly through your words.

Thanks again-
Kelly

Vacation

I am having a great vacation. I have already spent 6 fantastic days with my family- immediate and extended and I have loved almost every minute of it! We had  mini family reunions on both of my parents sides of the family. All of my siblings and their children were here at the same time–and it wasn’t even for a wedding or holiday. We have spent days at the beach, lounging around and even some tubing with my brother’s boat. There have been a few nights that we ate out, but a few that we stayed in and had cookouts and bonfires. Today we floated down the river on inflatable rafts for 2 1/2 hours! Lots of pink cheeks and bodies, but so much fun. What a relaxing time it has been.  Relaxing and exhausting all at the same time! But I have tan lines–and that is saying a lot for this Irish skin I have. I usually kid about having two shades of skin, albino and lobster, but today I have tan lines! Who would’ve thought I’d have to go 1000 miles NORTH where it has been a very cold summer to get the tan I should have 9 months of the year at minimum at my home in the South?! Oh well, at least I have lines, even if it is the end of July and they are just starting to show. I have two more days here with my family before we head out to visit my husband’s relatives for a few days on the way home. I am looking forward to spending time with my grandma, visiting the lighthouse my youngest so desperately wants to see, and spending those last few precious moments with my family that I miss so much when I’m home in the south. I hope they all know just how much I love each one of them.

Love

I love my husband. To a fault, some might say. I just shake that off. I knew from the first time I talked to him that we would be married one day. He has this incredible sense of adventure and a drive to succeed that would put many to shame. Sometimes that drives me nuts or makes me angry, but it also a big part of why I fell in love with him. He is always striving for more, to better himself and the life we are making for our family. We met in an online chat room and talked online a few times before our first phone call. When he finally did call, we spent 3 hours on the phone! I felt as if I had known him forever. It was so easy and comfortable talking to him and by the time we hung up, I knew he was The One. Sure enough, we were married 6 months later. We were only 20 years old and I had 2 kids, so he had an instant family. Yes, we’ve had our ups and downs over the past 10 years, I don’t deny that, but my love for my husband has kept me moving forward toward creating a great marriage for us. Sure, it might have been easier or less painful at times to give up and walk away. I would’ve been justified in that. But it wasn’t the right thing to do. My faith and my heart told me to keep praying and moving in a forward direction and God would work out all the details. It’s true. He does. Our marriage has been all but over twice and he has brought us back from the brink both times. He has created within us a desire to have the strong, joyful marriage we both wanted but didn’t know how to fix once it was broken so long ago. We could temporarily mend the problems, but we needed God to work within both of us and show us what he He wanted for us as a husband and wife and as a family. I can say now, without a shadow of doubt, that our marriage is stronger now that it has ever been. We are both fully commited to each other and our family. To working together, being a team…forever.