Forgiveness

My husband and I had an important discussion this weekend that really got me thinking. We were discussing the importance of  loving and forgiving others. And, not unlike anyone else, I had a lot of people in my past that I needed to forgive. I sometimes have a hard time letting things go, and tend to hold grudges. Even when I think I have let them go. It is not uncommon for me to realize that I have just pushed something under the rug and tried to move forward rather than dealing with the issue. Recognizing this is the first step to changing it, though, and I have been working on not pushing things off, but really dealing with any hurt, pain or anger I am feeling. Because holding onto it will only cause bitterness.

After much introspection, I sat down to write this post…and after my first paragraph, I ended up writing a letter to one of the pastors at my church. It can’t be said any better than in my email, so I am posting it here also, to share all I am learning on the journey to Becoming Kelly.

Hi Kevin-

I was out of town the week you spoke on forgiveness, with the story of Abigail, so I wasn’t sitting in the auditorium that morning, but I listened to the mp3 from the Hope website tonight and I felt compelled to write. I am sitting in my living room, crying right now, because I feel like you were speaking directly to me. I feel like you were sitting right here on my couch, telling me just what I needed to hear tonight.
My husband and I were discussing this exact topic just yesterday afternoon. I thought I had forgiven everyone in my past that I had needed to forgive. But after our conversation, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he and I had talked about. See, when I met my husband a little over 10 years ago, I was a 20yr old single mom…to not one, but two children. From two different fathers. I was 16 when Arianne was born. She was born with a birth defect and required some extra care as a baby, including several surgeries to correct her mouth. Her father and I split up when she was 3 months old, and she has hardly seen him since. A month after turning 19, I had my son, Alex. Pretty much another bad situation with the father. I haven’t seen him since a month before Alex was born, and haven’t spoken to him since Alex was a few months old. I fortunately had the support of my family. And I met my husband when the kids were 1 and 3. We were married 7 months later. We’ve had some struggles along the way, but will very happily be celebrating 10 yrs of marriage this fall.
Yesterday, while he and I were talking about forgiveness of others, especially forgiveness of our enemies, the fathers of my oldest two came into the conversation. And not only them, but the girls they had cheated on me with. And I very quickly assured my husband that I had indeed forgiven all of them, but had no desire to reach out to them in love. Was that what Jesus would want me to do?, my husband asked. I said probably not, but I had forgiven them, and that was good enough for me. He kept pushing me though, making me think, making me reach deep inside. Had I really forgiven them for the hurt I had felt, for the betrayal? For the rest of the day yesterday, and all of today, it has been on my mind. I could feel God pressing it on my heart that I really needed to search myself on this issue. And so I searched. And I began a conversation with Domingo tonight prior to his small group meeting about what I had discovered, but he had to leave before we could finish. It was still on my heart, so I began to write about it on my blog, which lead me to search the Hope site for the Digging Deeper notes from a previous week when Mike was speaking on forgiveness. My eyes immediately saw the title of the podcast for your sermon “When The Past Hurts Your Present”, and the description was exactly what I was thinking, feeling and writing about. I had been holding in all this hurt and anger and bitterness, thinking I had forgiven all these people all these years ago! I clicked to listen to the mp3 and sat at my computer furiously taking notes while sobbing my eyes out.
You said in the message that real forgiveness deals with the offense and the feelings. And I had only been forgiving the offense..not dealing with the feelings. In every situation I was still hurting from, I had felt the feelings you mentioned: rejected, fearful, and insignificant. I knew I had to do something. So I prayed. And I cried. And I prayed some more.  And the weird thing is, the tears aren’t tears of hurt or anger or sadness or bitterness. They are more like tears of relief. Like tears of joy. I have been struggling lately with letting my past go and not letting it define me anymore. Not only did I forgive all those people and hurts I had stuffed away under the rug, but I forgave myself tonight. For not obeying God. For not loving myself. For failing over and over in huge, colossal ways. For not being perfect. For not following what I believe in, but going with the crowd. For not believing in myself. For letting myself down. For letting others down, especially my family.
So, I guess, in all my ramblings, I just wanted to say thank you! Thank you, Kevin, for this message. Even though I wasn’t in the church that Sunday morning, God had a plan for me to hear your message. He knew I wasn’t ready just a few short weeks ago. But He has been preparing me for this evening. And now He has spoken to me very clearly through your words.

Thanks again-
Kelly