School Days

Alright, I know this may seem like it has nothing to do with what my blog is really about, but it does play a role. School starts tomorrow for my kids. And for the first time, all five of my children will be in school this year. That’s right. My baby is now a 5 1/2 (going on 15!) year old kindergartner. I will be home alone this year, while all my precious peanuts are off at school, learning all kinds of new things and having a great time with friends. So, officially, I have a few more days with her, since they do a staggered start entry for kindergartners in our school district. She actually only attends one day this week, but next Monday begins all day, every day school just like all the other big kids. Now, I know I have been looking forward to this day for a long time, but I am actually starting to have some mixed feelings about it.

For 14 years I have pretty much been home with my babies aside from some occasional work  here and there. Motherhood has defined me since I was sixteen years old. And really soon, I will have all of my days to fill with…..whatever I want to do. Not what my kids want or need. Not whatever doctor appointment I have to run whichever child too. No more days filled with trips to the park, daddy-daughter dates for lunch (where mommy tags along!), story time at the bookstore or library, trips to the pool to play with friends,  afternoons snuggled on the couch watching movies or cartoons or even just talking. It all hit me this afternoon when my daughter looked up at me with big tears in her eyes and said, “I’m gonna miss you when I go to school, Mommy. I really want to go, but I think I just want to stay home with you again this year.”  It was all I could do to hold back my tears when she asked if I would miss her too. Yes! Yes, I will  miss her! Just like I miss my other 4 sweeties. Each and every day.

But on the other hand, I am so excited to have a chance to breathe each day. I will have a new found freedom when she joins the ranks at school. I can take a shower without leaving the door open, just in case she “needs” me. I can go to the gym when I want and even  take my time getting ready after I workout, because I won’t have to rush to pick up a child from the child center. I can swim laps after running on the treadmill or elliptical. I might even lay out at the pool…just because I can! I can get  a haircut, meet friends for lunch and even just sit and blog, without having to worry about entertaining my kiddo or finding a sitter for her. For the first time in nearly 14 years, I have an entire day to do what Kelly wants to do. A day to myself. Days upon days to myself. To take a nap if I want, to watch a movie I want to watch, to grocery shop without a little one asking for treats or crying that they need to go potty. Heck, I can have a lunch date with my husband and actually talk about grown up stuff! I will be able to volunteer at the school and in the community. I’ve dreamed of going back to school for my nursing degree. This would be a great time to do that. It would also be a great time to find a part time job to feel like a person again, not just a mom.

I have loved every moment of my children being home with me. Some moments more than others, of course, but my kids are my world. I love each one of them with all I have. And as sad as I am that this chapter in my life is coming to a close, I am ready for the new chapter that is beginning. This is going to be a great opportunity for me to really focus on Kelly, to really find what I am capable of. To redefine myself. To become Kelly.