Goals and Birds

Ok, so we all know that women gain a few pounds during pregnancy. And it’s hard to take off sometimes. But seriously, my youngest daughter is 5 1/2 now!! I can no longer use the “I just had a baby” excuse to anyone…especially myself. And I’m pretty sure I have rationalized the extra weight I carry around as just that for far too long! So I have set some goals for myself. Goals that no longer include “I want to lose X  number of pounds” or ” I will never weigh more than X lbs” because its not about the number on the scale anymore. It’s about being healthy. It’s about feeling good. It’s about being comfortable in my own skin. So, the former runner in me decided that I will run again. Not just sprinting like I had done before. I hated distances, never thought I could run them, believed I couldn’t. And several personal trainers I have worked with the past few years have confirmed that my muscle type is not built for distance running. But you know what? As I was pushing myself on the crossramp elliptical last night, I recalled something that had always been important to me as I was growing up, and I apparently buried this away with my former athletic self. When I was  in preschool I decided that I really wanted to catch one of the robins that flew around my yard. I chased after them all afternoon, and of course, as soon as I got close to them, they flew off. But I was determined to hold one, and I continued on. I saw this one little robin sitting on the tractor and I slowly crept up to it, inching closer and closer, finally gently cupping it in my little hands. I carefully walked back to the front porch and sat down on the steps to play with my new friend. I held in gingerly, caressing down the head and back of the bird with my tiny index finger, singing softly. It sat there in my hands so calmly. My mom came out to see what I was doing, and when I showed her the little robin in my hands she could hardly believe it! She said then that she would never tell me I couldn’t achieve something if I really put my mind to it. And that brings me back to the running that I never thought I could do. I have believed for so long that I couldn’t run the distances, so I never really tried to. But now I want to prove to myself that I can. I learned that morning with the bird that no one can tell me I can’t do something I really want to do. I am capable of running distances. And now I am going to prove it. It may not be tomorrow or next week  or even next month…but be certain, I will be a distance runner. My first goal is to be able to run a mile. Sure, I can walk it, and jog a good bit of it, but I haven’t run a mile straight since I was 14. So that’s Goal #1. This fall I plan to run a local 5k, which is Goal #2. Now, I’ve done a 5k before, but I didn’t run the whole thing. This time I will run the entire 3.1 miles. I need to look ahead at the race schedules and pick something still, so I will keep you posted on that. And I believe that if I really push myself, and really believe in myself, I will be running a 15k next summer. Goal #3. Big goals. Small goals. However you see them, its one more step towards a healthier Kelly, one more step towards letting out the girl who has been hiding inside for too many years, one  more step in the right direction.

Take Two

So I had managed to maintain my new weight for a while. And then what did I do? I got pregnant a second time at 18! I was determined not to gain another 70 lbs. I was working full-time as a hotel housekeeper, and it was a very physical job. I spent 7-8 hours each day on my feet making beds, washing windows, vacuuming and scrubbing bathrooms. I didn’t always eat a healthy lunch, but I was very surprised that I was gaining weight as I had in my first pregnancy. Ugh, another 70 lbs.! Puffy skin, swollen feet- very uncomfortable. I was able to move around a lot easier this time around though, and worked up until a week before my son was born. By that time, I was very much looking forward to the relief I had felt after my daughter’s birth. The birth of my son was fairly easy and I was hoping to lose the weight quickly. I didn’t. I had gone up 2-3 sizes from where I was AFTER my first pregnancy. So now I was 5 sizes bigger than before I had first gotten pregnant. I felt awful. And I looked awful. And the athlete I had once been felt completely dead.

Ok, so today the athlete inside showed up when I needed her, so I know shes not dead. I made it to the gym. Yes, I procrastinated this morning. I told myself I was going to get up and go right away, but I didn’t get there until after lunch. But I did get there. And I got a great workout in on the elliptical. I wanted to give up after 5 minutes. I was out of breath, since it was first trip to the gym in over 3 months. I was going 5 days a week up until then, but I got sick with a terrible bronchitis that left me with no energy for 11 weeks. When I got over that, I took the kids to the pool and ended up with double ear infections and could hardly hear for 3 weeks. So now I am finally feeling great again…but today was tough at the gym. As much as I wanted to quit, I dug deep to find strength to keep going and my inner athlete pushed me to keep moving. And what a great feeling to have my former trainer see me and say how nice it was to see me there! Just a bit more motivation to keep going. Slowly but surely I will achieve my goals. I have a lot of weight to lose…and my whole life to gain during this journey.

Revelation

I was a very active child. I walked at 9 months and never looked back. I was a runner, a swimmer, a gymnast, a dancer. I played basketball, baseball and football with my brothers and the neighborhood boys. I was a sprinter, setting school records as early as elementary school, and was even a member of a relay team in 7th grade that set a state record. I loved being active. I was an athlete. A competitor. I loved a challenge. But a variety of factors led to my decision to put my athletic side on hold. Repeated ankle sprains caused my doctor to recommend a halt on my running. My parents deteriorating marriage led to increased responsibilities for me at home. The inevitable boy-craziness of a young teenage girl also played a part, but the biggest reason my competitive side had to pause was my first pregnancy. I was only 16. And I was scared. And quickly gaining a belly- and a lot of extra weight. Throughout my pregnancy I gained 70 lbs! That is far more than the doctor recommended 25-30 lbs for an average weight woman. My body retained so much fluid! What a relief it was to finally give birth to my daughter- to ease the strain on my body- to reduce my weight. I actually left the hospital 48 hours after her birth 40 lbs lighter than when I has walked in the door to deliver her! Talk about a quick way to lose weight! but it was torture trying to lose the remaining 30lbs. I ate salads for lunch and dinner. I did 1 or 2 hours of cardio each day and it still took me almost a year to lose 20 lbs. And I was still 1 or 2 sizes bigger than before I had gotten pregnant. So frustrating!

Today I had the realization that I had once set and achieved goals so easily, but I rarely set any goals anymore. I haven’t for a long time. I realized that I gave up on my own dreams a long time ago. Partly due to circumstances I couldn’t change, but mainly because of choices I had made. I had stopped believing in myself, stopped believing that I could achieve my dreams and had stopped dreaming. But that is all changing now. I believe in myself again. And I am ready to begin dreaming again. Ready to reclaim my life. Ready to let my inner athlete run free! So I got out my weights, resistance bands and fitness magazines and pumped out 40 minutes of strength training, followed by a 40 minute, 3 mile walk…with a bit of jogging thrown in. So now I map out a plan for my journey to regain myself…my health, my life.